Friday, February 5, 2010

It's been months, and it feels like yesterday.

     My life was changed on June 5, 2009.  I had been working at the hospital for only 2 days.  I always had my cell phone on me, but always on silent.  That day, I had it on vibrate.  I got a 2 texts within minutes of each other.  I but didn't check them until about 30 minutes later.  I saw that the first one was from Dave, and then the other was from my friend Amanda.  I went into the break room and checked the messages.  I saw the words " John died in a car wreck last night ".  It hit me like a ton of bricks.  The tears started pouring out and I couldn't even get words out to tell my co-workers what happened.  I called my dad at work and studder sobbed the words out.  I could hear the pain in my dads voice.  I couldn't even imagine the pain his parents were going through.  I decided to stay at work until about 5pm that day. I knew if I went home, I'd make myself sick and I had to get my mind off what happened because I didn't want to believe it was true.  After work, Chelsea ( Daves brother's girlfriend) and I met up with Dave and Dan and about 20 of our friends from high school at a local bar and grill before we all went over the John's parents house.  The feeling in the air was during dinner was so weird.  Everyone was tearstained, there was times of silence, laughter, and memory sharing.  Then there were Fuzzy Navel shots, because thats how John would have had it.  We took his favorite in his memory.  Then we made the trek to his parents house.  It hurt my heart to see his and hear his mothers gutwrenching cries, to see his father's pain stricken face, to see my boyfriend cry at the loss of one of his best friends.  I've never felt that kind of pain before.  I didn't know how to respond to Dave's emotions.  I didn't know how to respond to my own emotions.  It hit me in waves.  I'd be fine for a while, but then a memory would come to mind and my stomach would turn and a lump would form in my throat.  Today it still hurts like hell....and it's been 8 months.  However, in those 8 months, I've learned so much about how precious life is.  John truely lived every single day of his short life like it was his last.  He never failed to make me laugh.  He loved his momma and strived to be like his Daddy.  He was their baby.  Their only child.  Over these past 8 months, Dave and I have gotten extremely close to his parents.  I think our presence helps them, and they help us.  Anyways, these two songs, were played at his funeral.   Never Alone by Lady Antebellum and Simple Man, by Lynyrd Skynyrd.  When I hear them, sometimes I smile, and sometimes I cry...but every time, I think of John.

May the angels protect you
Trouble neglect you
And heaven accept you when it's time to go home
May you always have plenty
Your glass never empty
Know in your belly
You're never alone
May your tears come from laughing
You find friends worth having
With every year passing
They mean more than gold
May you win and stay humble
Smile more than grumble
And know when you stumble
You're never alone

Never alone
Never alone
I'll be in every beat of your heart
When you face the unknown
Whereever you fly
This isn't goodbye
My love will follow you, stay with you
Baby you're never alone
Well, I have to be honest
As much as I want it
I'm not gonna promise that cold winds won't blow
So when hard times have found you
And your fear surround you
Wrap my love around you
You're never alone
Never alone
Never alone
I'll be in every beat of your heart
When you face the unknown
Wherever you fly
This isn't goodbye
My love will follow you stay, with you
Baby you're never alone.

John and I at Sr. Prom in 2006

Mama told me when I was young
Come sit beside me, my only son
And listen closely to what I say.
And if you do this
It will help you some sunny day.

Take your time... Don't live too fast,
Troubles will come and they will pass.
Go find a woman and you'll find love,
And don't forget son,
There is someone up above.

And be a simple kind of man.
Be something you love and understand.
Be a simple kind of man.
Won't you do this for me son,
If you can?

Forget your lust for the rich man's gold
All that you need is in your soul,
And you can do this if you try.
All that I want for you my son,
Is to be satisfied.

Boy, don't you worry... you'll find yourself.
Follow you heart and nothing else.
And you can do this if you try.
All I want for you my son,
Is to be satisfied


I miss you John.  You're in my heart forever.

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